This Is What Happened Next

Okay, guys, the expectations are pretty high, and I've been getting a lot of requests for more posts (I think I'm up to 2 requests now. feel free to keep 'em coming). The fan mail is pouring in too, and I've even had to spend my tutoring sessions (yeah, right. we all know I haven't started those yet) going through them. Quite frankly it's a little intimidating. I don't know that I can live up to all the hype surrounding my newly found fame, but I'll do my best to please the hordes of fans that are supporting me from all around the globe (i.e., Macedonia & the US…actually I think both of the requests came from the US, so we can narrow it down to just the one).

I don't know how many of you are recurring readers (I'd like to give a quick shout out to those of you that are because you're the only people that will understand this next part (as long as you weren't as drunk when you read my last post as I was when I wrote it (just to be safe, that's obviously a joke). oh, and in case you're wondering, that was the shout out)), but I'm sure you'll all be disappointed to hear that my search for a wild boar was a failure (well, I guess I don't know that I would call it that. I suppose I'd actually have to look for one for it to be considered a failure). Nonetheless, there is no boar and no pastramailija.

I reckon I should take this time to educate all of the people out there that don't know what pastramailija is. But before I do that, I just realized that I need to stop writing it like that because I know that the Americans out there are pronouncing it wrong (and I really need to please both of my fans), so I should correct that before I make you read it 12 more times. Lord knows that when I found out I was coming to Macedonia (I could be wrong, but isn't that a type of nut?) and I was doing research on the country and saw the name of the capital city, Skopje, I was pronouncing it wrong (I'm not even sure if I say it right yet). But still, if I heard my old self say it now, I'd just laugh and think Obviously you've never been to the Balkans or studied a Slavic language. What a loser.

Anyway, how about we talk about that spelling change now. So instead of spelling it pastramailija (I swear that's the last time), I'll write it pastramyliya. I'm not really sure that that's even gonna help, so you know what, how about I just do this...pas-tra-my-lee-ya. Now I know what you're all thinking. Ooh, what a huge difference, Jake. That's a life saver (no, not the delicious candy). But I'm just gonna need you to be honest and level with me for a second. You were definitely pronouncing that wrong before, weren't you?

Now that you've come to terms with the truth—and even more importantly learned how to say the word correctly (at least I hope so)—let me tell you a little bit about this thing called pastramyliya (I feel really weird spelling it like this). It's pretty much the most fantasized about dish in all of Macedonia (besides the illegal trout from Lake Ohrid). And it's actually quite simple to describe, but I don't think a simple explanation would be as engaging for your senses, so let me see what I can do about that.

Weeks of preparation go into the making of pastramyliya (at this point I’m just copying and pasting this word because it's so weird to write it like this, even though the only time I've ever written the word at all is in this blog), and I want to inform you about what goes on during each minute of that period (I promise it’s gonna be fun! but if you really don’t want the minute by minute gameplay, please proceed to the next sentence where you will see I skip that part). Before you can even think about eating it, you must first get yourself a pig. In the case that you don't have one readily available in your kitchen (I’m not even gonna comment on that, but come on, guys, get yourself together), you can pick one up from your local farmer or butcher or whatever (I don't know. I've never personally done this step. I've only heard legends of it being done). After you pick out the pig (hopefully you know what you’re doing and don’t choose the runt) and it is killed in front of your eyes, you finish cleaning the blood spatters off of your clothes (again, this is only speculation) and you lug the pig home where you salt it, rinse it, and let it dry for about 2 weeks (there's a lot of behind-the-scenes work going on here that I don't want to bore you with). Honestly, I just don't want to have to research how it's done or find somebody to ask about this right now because I'll probably get stuck in a conversation for a couple of hours and have rakija (for you Americans out there rak-e-ya...it's a type of liquor here that many people make) poured down my throat. Pastramyliya is exclusively a winter meal because the meat needs cold weather to dry out nicely (wow, there is absolutely no connection between this sentence and the one before it. you know what, I’m gonna take that back because I just read the sentence before the previous sentence and it’s kinda related. that makes this whole little monologue right here pretty much useless). After the meat is sufficiently dried, it gets smoked. I don't think any further explanation is necessary here. With this step completed, you're now well on your way to having some pastramyliya.

Since I have experience as a culinary professional (I think being a consumer of food counts here), let me get your taste buds primed. Imagine you're sitting down in a typical cafana style restaurant with some live performer covering a traditional Macedonian song such as this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRxbVaM2tdY (for the proper ambience while reading this, I'm gonna have to ask you to click on that link. don't worry, I'll wait for you before I continue).

After ordering your food from a menu that features items such as a chikan berger and meckarony (bonus points for those of you who know what foods those are), your homemade red wine is brought out to you in a decanter (or whatever it's called) and sloppily poured into a wine glass for you (sorry for the less than perfect picture I'm painting here, but I'm just trying to keep it real. it’ll get better). You sit back and enjoy the music and the questionable wine (this part I'm making up. I know pretty much nothing about what wine's supposed to taste like, but to me just about all wine is questionable) while you wait for your food. As you're waiting, you look around the room and notice that even though music is blasting out of the speakers so loudly that it doesn't seem possible for anyone to be doing anything else but be listening to it, not a single person is moving to the rhythm (that's even harder to spell than rhyme) of the beat.

Finally you see the waiter coming over with your pastramyliya, and it looks a lot bigger than you thought it'd be based off the cost (it's about $4.00 dollars. if you want an egg in the middle (don’t worry it’s out of the shell and cooked) then you better be willing to cough up the big bucks. I think it’s like 25₵ more). Just as you're wondering if you're gonna be able to finish it, you get that first whiff that invigorates your olfactory senses in a way you've never experienced before. It's a combination of freshly baked dough and sizzling slabs of bacon (I should mention that no pigs were harmed in the writing of this blog. I can't say the same about my dinner though).

Now that you've come back to your senses, you can see that it's basically just an oval-shaped pizza-like crust that has pieces of pork (and fat for those of you out there that are into that kind of thing) on it with a graciously sized hot pepper sitting next to it, but your mouth is telling you it's something more. Now it's time to get intimate with it. While your mouth salivates, you rub a greasy piece of pork around the edge of the crust before you tear off that first piece. As you're making the moves to put the first bite in your mouth, you notice how much you're drooling and you hurry up and wipe the drool on your sleeve before shoving that first precious piece in your mouth. And when you do, why it's just heavenly. It's everything you ever thought it would be and more. You take a swig of the questionable wine that somehow perfectly complements the pastramyliya and now provides the flavor that your taste buds were craving making you wonder where this perfect mutualistic food relationship has been your whole life. You sit back, look at the pastramyliya, and think of the wonderful relationship you're going to have with it for the next 2 winters before you devour this one in 10 minutes. The end (man, that ending sucked).

I guess it's about that time in the post for me to make up some word or phrase for you all to memorize so that you think you're learning another language. I'm gonna have to step my game up a bit for this one, so just let me think for a second. OK, I got it. The phrase is:

                                како си? (kako si) - how are you?

All right, fine. I admit my vocab game is slacking a bit. To make up for what I’m lacking in originality here, I will add that you can also say како сте (kako ste) if you’re trying to be formal (but that's just for suck-ups).

Well, I think my hands are about to freeze because I'm losing motor function as I'm laying here in my bed under 4 blankets writing this. One thing I've noticed in all the traveling I've done around the country so far, is that I got stuck in one of the colder houses. Sometimes I feel like it's colder in my room than it is outside, but without a thermometer, I'll never know. The only way I have to judge the temp is by whether or not I can see water vapor travel through my room with every breath I take (which usually means that it’s 45°F or less). If I don't, I'm pretty sure it's gonna be a good day, and I might not even have to turn on my awful (ahem…I mean awesome) Peace Corps heater (that's really only if I'm trying to act like I'm Bear Grylls though).

Wow, I managed to make my tangent last for an entire blog post. I’m pretty proud of myself for that one. Oh, and I'm sorry for all that boring talk about pastramyliya. I'll try to be more entertaining next time. It's just, I figured you should all learn a little bit about some of the stuff that my life consists of these days (some people complained about not learning anything like that last time. I won't mention any names Dennis).

Stay classy world.