I don't know how many of you have ever had an MRI or know
what it sounds like, but it is torturous. I had been having knee pain for quite a while, and it was getting pretty bad, so I
ended up going in for an X-ray to get both of my knees checked out. The results were a little wishy-washy so the next step
was for me to hop in this MRI machine. I had to lie there listening to this contraption while being bombarded with
sounds of humming, roaring, buzzing, and chinging like a rogue car alarm for almost 45 minutes. I did have these bulky
headphones on with classic rock songs whispering in my ears, but even those didn't come close to blocking out the sound of this
beastly machine.
Because the music from the headphones wasn't doing the trick and the sounds were beginning to make me feel a
bit anxious, I ended up having to entertain myself. And that is how I created the story "Jangor: A Robot's Tale."
Please read the following paragraphs out loud using your best robot voice (even though Jangor is referred to as a man, both male and female
robot voices are appropriate to use. also, there are no humans in this story so only the third law of robotics applies here).
"Oh tartles!" cried Jangor as he scurried toward
the electric fence that surrounded the entire estate. He had been spotted by the guards manning the searchlight, and, in his current
state, they were much faster than he was. Now all of the alarms around The Farm were raging. Jangor reached inside his chest
compartment and dug around for an explosive he had made from various parts he managed to find around The Farm over the last few weeks. As he scanned the
yard for more guards coming from other directions, he closed the compartment and hurriedly slid the explosive into the barrel
that slightly protruded from his chest (that gives a real meaning to barrel chested, am I right?). So far, most of his parts
hadn't been harvested, leaving him largely operational. Besides the wiring in his left arm and his left eye, which was given
to one of the older diving models that recover significant articles lost at sea, he possessed all of the other
essential components that he arrived there with.
The guards were quickly gaining on Jangor as he threw
himself over the ditch filled with water from the latest rain. After being at The Farm for only six weeks, he could already
notice the stiffness of his joints from the early stages of oxidization. That's the disease that took both of his
grandparents, and he was becoming worried that the same thing would happen to him if he didn't get off The Farm soon. That's why
it was so important to him that his escape attempt was successful.
Being sure to keep a safe distance from the electrical fence
that had been the death of many of the robots during escape attempts, Jangor began to slow down and lean over. Aiming
towards the base of a fence post, he fired the explosive. Upon impact, sparks instantly shot out at him from the wires connecting the posts, and
they encompassed the entirety of The Farm as they spread throughout the fence. The fence rocked and roared violently
causing wires to tear apart and the circuits to trip. Fortunately for Jangor, the backup generator had been damaged by the
recent rainstorms, so he now had the protection of darkness to aid him in his escape. And now that the electricity was out, he
was more confident in getting past the fence.
Jangor had also been lucky enough to be equipped with night
vision by his previous owner just before arriving at The Farm. Because night vision technology had only recently been
introduced to the general robot population, he was the only robot at The Farm that had it. But since wiring had been taken from
Jangor's left eye, the night vision was only fully functional in his right. Once his night vision had activated, he took one
look at the fence to see where it had been cleared and he bolted toward the broke down section right where the explosion had
hit it.
The guards were closing in quickly with their stun guns
unholstered. Jangor approached the fence, and as he prepared to jump to avoid anything that was still holding on to any bit of
electrical charge, his right knee hinge became stuck, probably from the oxidation, and he fell over.
That's as far as I was when the MRI scanner turned off
because most of the time it was hard not to picture a car alarm going off in the middle of a packed parking lot. Or even worse, parked next to the curb outside of an apartment building at 3 in the morning. Feel free to
make up whatever ending you want for Jangor. I like to think he survives though.
By the end of my MRI, my left leg had fallen asleep. But it
didn't have the typical sensation of a limb that had gone numb so I wasn't aware of it until I climbed off the table and nearly
fell flat on my face. I don't think the technician noticed what had almost happened, but I immediately hobbled and hopped to
the wall and leaned against it while I tried to think of a way to stall because
they were rushing to get me out so that another patient could come in. I still
had to get my shoes on so I was able to waste some time doing that. It was a
struggle though. I could barely get my foot in my shoe, let alone try to bend
over and tie it. Eventually I just sat down on the ground to put my shoes on.
But I did manage to make it out of the room before they started yelling at me.
I'll call that one a success.
After all of this MRI crap, I ended up having a couple of
weeks of physical therapy. In the meantime, I was posted up in a hotel room in Skopje .
While I was chilling in the hotel room, I watched a lot of CNN. During the
Oscar Pistorius verdict (now you know how long ago this happened), I noticed
quite a few important looking people not paying attention to the judge. I'm
pretty sure I even saw one guy doing a crossword puzzle. But that's not nearly
as bad as the guy that was playing Candy Crush on his smartphone. Seeing that
kinda made me want to be a lawyer again. Something to think about anyway.
Another lovely memory I have in my hotel room is having the
cleaning lady almost come in my room while I was naked. It's almost a blur now, but I will try to recall the moment as
best as I can for you. I had just got out of the shower and I was getting my daily CNN fix. I was leisurely rubbing myself
down (no, not that way you sickos) so I was unclothed a little longer than I had to be, and just as I was doing the
finishing touches, I heard a key quickly being shoved in the keyhole. I stepped back behind the corner of the wall to make sure I
had some coverage and I started making a bunch of noise so that she would know
I was in the room and just leave. As quickly as the door had opened, it closed,
and it wasn't touched by anybody but me for two days.
In the end of all of this medical madness, I got a knee
brace to wear on each knee while I'm exercising, shoe inserts that I probably
don't use as often as I should, and a kick-ass set of exercises and stretches
to do every other day. It sure beats surgery...I think.
Dealing with all of this medical stuff made me think about
getting old, and I think I was drawn to this facet of aging because I happened to be getting ready for bed when I was
thinking about being old. When you get old, there are many things in your life that change. One of those being your bed time
routines. Instead of brushing your teeth, you take them out. You don't wash your face anymore but you do have to take your
hearing aids out. Gotta make sure you go pee right before bed so that you can sleep for at least two hours before you have to
wake up and go again. And instead of saying your prayers to whatever god you talk to, you pass out before you can even
remember your god's name. But you do snore loudly and mumble rubbish to nonexistent people. I can't wait to get old.
I don't know how, but I almost forgot to include the Macedonian word of the blog and the English word that my host mom knows. Since I'm feeling lazy, I'm gonna make them the same word this time. But I promise I will only do this once:
старo (staro) - old
On a separate note, my host mom just celebrated the 10th anniversary of her 32nd birthday. Happy belated birthday my Macedonian mother!
Also, sorry for not having any pictures this time. That's my bad.
Stay classy world.
